We've come away for a few days. On the way here The Boy wanted to play Scooby Doo. These are his instructions for how you play Scooby Doo in the car:
"Right, you'll have to be Freddy as you're driving. I'll be Shaggy because I'm a boy. <points at passing car> Look, Freddy!!!!! MONSTERS!!!!!! Run!!!!!.... Let's play again. Right, you'll have to be Freddy as you're driving. I'll be Shaggy because......"
That's it. The clever part is that you repeat this, over and over, for 220 miles. Four hours. No deviation, no adding in different characters, no trying to pretend that Velma has a driving licence. Just that. For the first time in my life, I missed Scrappy Doo.
On the plus side, this was the view from The Grandmother's back door this morning.
Some things are worth being Freddy for.
On Friday I arranged to meet someone during school hours. So, my friend Kuljit kindly said she'd look after The Boy. When I went to collect him, I asked her how he'd been, and she said fine. She told me that while they were having lunch with her mum and daughter, The Boy was staring at her quite intently. He then said "you're all hairy". And just as I thought it couldn't have been any worse he followed it up with the immortal words, "you should have a shave".
It is looking like The Boy will start at a new school in the new year. It took an email to the Head of the Local Authority threatening them with the local press but it seems to have worked. It's taken eighteen months of misery for him, and then one email turns it all round instantly. If only I'd known sooner.....
In the meantime I am teaching him at home. It turns out I'm not a very good teacher. Today we are learning about Pascal's Triangle (his school set the topic). I have googled it, and now know what I am teaching. I can't think of a single, possible reason why Pascal's Triangle is of any use to a ten year old boy who hasn't mastered using a knife and fork yet, but I'm sure it will become clearer later.
No it won't. I hate Maths. Autistic children traditionally like Maths. (I saw the other day some parent banging on that the phrase 'autistic children' is offensive. I should say 'children with autism' apparently. Thanks for that, 'man with a dick on his head'). Where was I? Oh yes, traditionally members of the human race with a diagnosis of an autistic spectrum disorder (catchy) like the routine of maths, the consistency, it often isn't open to interpretation. Well I hate Maths. And I hate Pascal's Triangle, even though I didn't even know it existed until twenty minutes ago. And today, I will ensure that The Boy hates Pascal's Triangle too. I'm just hoping we don't get interrupted by an OFSTED inspection. Now sit down. The bloody lesson is about to start.
The Boy is 10 years old. Yesterday evening, he had that look on his face like he'd done something wrong. I asked him what was the matter. He told me he'd had a dream. He said in his dream he was bigger and he "touched a lady's boobs, but I only did it because she asked me to". He had that confused look on his face like he'd done something wrong. I said that's okay, and now he was older he might have dreams like that now and again. The relief spread across his face and he grinned from ear to ear: "I remember all that dream. It felt like 'for real life'!"
I want one! Why just for kids with autism, let's all get one!
When I first started this blog I said I wasn't sure if it was going to be funny or not. This post has no jokes. It is quite simply a rant. Here goes.....
Yesterday The Boy had been in school for ten minutes when they asked me to collect him. This is a special school, for children with disabilities. He only goes in for the afternoon session anyway as they can't deal with him for longer. He was like a wild animal, hitting, screaming, biting. It was the same the day before. And the days before half term. I've had enough. I came home and started firing off emails.
So, the long and short is, I have withdrawn The Boy from school to force the LEA to do something. Again. I've reported myself to the Education Welfare Officer too. I was going to contact the local paper and have a picture of me and The Boy on the front page (I will get him to sit in his wheelchair for maximum impact, and I will do my very best 'sad, angry and dejected face'. I will try to get him to dribble a bit too, they love that). I decided against the local paper bit.
After I fired off my angry emails to the Special Educational Needs team, I discovered that The Boy's case worker left two weeks ago. The Boy's fourth case worker in two years. Remember the earlier blog post that mentioned the school report saying they couldn't meet his needs? Before he left the case worker failed to pass on these reports. And the receptionist has been putting me through to his voicemail for the last week and a half without bothering to mention that the guy doesn't work there anymore. I don't really want to mention the local authority in case it has a bearing on The Boy's case. Just bear in mind that if you are trying to decide where to live and you aren't quite sure which school to send your loved ones to, ****** COUNCIL ARE A COMPLETE BAG OF INCOMPETENT SHIT.
That feels better.
The hoover is apparently too loud. Singing at school is too loud. Assembly is far, far too loud. Fireworks and a funfair? Oh, they're fine. In fact they aren't loud enough.
Sunday 4th November 2012
FREE Charity Comedy Night for National Autistic Society:
MC John Williams
Hoopers Free Charity Comedy Show is Time Out recommended again this month!!
Audience donations are especially encouraged this evening, with all the proceeds going to the National Autistic Society.
Please come and have a laugh, enjoy some tasty ales and help raise money for a worthy cause - Sion has very kindly let me guest MC this one, last time I MC'd Hoopers Reg D Hunter popped in unannounced, it's a lovely, lovely gig.
Hoopers, 28 Ivanhoe Road, East Dulwich, London, SE5 8DH .. 020 7733 4797
As always It’s a free gig however there is a collection for audience donations – all of which will be donated to charity.
The chosen Charity for November’s show is The National Autistic Society, Please come and have a laugh, some tasty beverages and donate generously!
DONATIONS TAKEN WITH ALL PROCEEDS GOING TO The National Autistic Society
Further information: email@example.com or text 07734 805817
Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or call Hoopers to reserve a table- get there early!!
Doors 7.00pm Show 8.00pm
Nearest BR: East Dulwich / Denmark Hill/Peckham Rye
Nearest tube: Oval/Brixton
By Bus P13, 40, 176, 185, 484#
This blog is about bringing up The Boy. He's 12 years old and autistic. It's written by The Dad. It's my words, my view. Other people will think differently and have different opinions. Good.